I have written about Sean before, but after this last meeting I feel the need to write again. I subscribe to Sean's blog www.shineuntiltomorrow.com and last spring while looking thru older post on it I stumbled upon Jane Two. As I read it tears began to run down my face. Even after I was finished I sat and cried. I mourn for this Jane that I did not know. I mourned for Sean and his loss, his inability to say the things he had wanted to.
In our loss we are alike, both grasping for time we no longer have, both regretting the wasting of the time we did have but was unaware of the preciousness of it.
I lost my mom to cancer.
I was 20 years old.
I had (and have) things I wanted to tell her.
For months after I read that post I would often think of it and in my mind's eye I could vividly see Sean sitting on a back porch watching this ethereal being bouncing up and floating down.
When I decided to travel to Reno to see him again I decided I was going to paint the picture that was in my head. Why, I have no idea since I have NEVER painted before....other than at a wine and paint class.
To say that I was stressed was an understatement, but I had made up my mind so I took it to him. Waiting line I felt physically ill. Mostly because I wanted to be able to explain to him what the post had meant to me and even though I lost my mom 20 years ago it is still very hard for my to talk about it. Well, I sorta got my point across and he was super sweet, but I want to take a minute to tell him again in case he reads this.
Sean
No matter the words I write here, I don't think I will be able to explain how #JaneTwo touches me. The year my mom fought cancer I was her only caregiver and there were days I was so angry. Angry at her and cancer and basically the world. Right before she died I was the most angry, because she had told us she was getting better but in reality she wasn't. After she was gone I was even angrier because of the stolen time I would not have with her. There were so many things I want to say to her. And like you I wrote them down, I have journals full of things I want her to know. I didn't mail them but they are often letter like.
A few years after she was gone, I was going through some of her books and I found a letter tucked inside. It was her goodbye to me, an apology for telling me she was getting better and a wish for me to remember to live life...to never settle...and to let my light shine.
Honestly, I never even put that last part together until right this moment as I type. I reread that letter this morning and it is this second that I realized that you both are giving me the same advice.
At the panel in Reno you said "You can look in a person's eyes and tell if they are lying."
I believe that too and that's why I can confidently say that you truly care about us.
So thank you for being you.
PS sorry for basically almost sobbing
For those of you who haven't read the blog ...get you ass in gear...it's funny and inspirational and at times just the kick in the ass ya need!!
