Sean Flanery and Jane Two

I have written about Sean before, but after this last meeting I feel the need to write again.  I subscribe to Sean's blog www.shineuntiltomorrow.com and last spring while looking thru older post on it I stumbled upon Jane Two.  As I read it tears began to run down my face. Even after I was finished I sat and cried.  I mourn for this Jane that I did not know.  I mourned for Sean and his loss, his inability to say the things he had wanted to.  

In our loss we are alike, both grasping for time we no longer have, both regretting the wasting of the time we did have but was unaware of the preciousness of it.

I lost my mom to cancer.

I was 20 years old.

I had (and have) things I wanted to tell her.

For months after I read that post I would often think of it and in my mind's eye I could vividly see Sean sitting on a back porch watching  this ethereal being bouncing up and floating down.

When I decided to travel to Reno to see him again I decided I was going to paint the picture that was in my head. Why, I have no idea since I have NEVER painted before....other than at a wine and paint class.

To say that I was stressed was an understatement, but I had made up my mind so I took it to him.  Waiting line I felt physically ill.  Mostly because I wanted to be able to explain to him what the post had meant to me and even though I lost my mom 20 years ago it is still very hard for my to talk about it.  Well, I sorta got my point across and he was super sweet, but I want to take a minute to tell him again in case he reads this.

Sean

No matter the words I write here, I don't think I will be able to explain how #JaneTwo touches me.  The year my mom fought cancer I was her only caregiver and there were days I was so angry. Angry at her and cancer and basically the world.  Right before she died I was the most angry, because she had told us she was getting better but in reality she wasn't. After she was gone I was even angrier because of the stolen time I would not have with her. There were so many things I want to say to her.  And like you I wrote them down, I have journals full of things I want her to know. I didn't mail them but they are often letter like.

A few years after she was gone, I was going through some of her books and I found a letter tucked inside.  It was her goodbye to me, an apology for telling me she was getting better and a wish for me to remember to live life...to never settle...and to let my light shine.

Honestly, I never even put that last part together until right this moment as I type.  I reread that letter this morning and it is this second that I realized that you both are giving me the same advice.

At the panel in Reno you said "You can look in a person's eyes and tell if they are lying."  

I believe that too and that's why I can confidently say that you truly care about us.

So thank you for being you.

 PS sorry for basically almost sobbing

For those of you who haven't read the blog ...get you ass in gear...it's funny and inspirational and at times just the kick in the ass ya need!!

A letter to My 40 year old self

Hello Beautiful Lady,

Tomorrow you turn 40, and let me start by saying I love you so much.  Remember when you were 22 and you were sure that the next few years were going to be the best of your life, you were wrong. Sure you were skinnier and had less wrinkles on you face.

  But, I want you to tell the truth were you really happy? I know the answer ...no you weren't ...you were lost.  I am not going to argue that you had fun because boy did you!! You were fearless! You also didn't know yourself, not your authentic self, you had let people warp your view of yourself.  Losing your mom had sent you careening as fast as you could go down life's road.  You just wanted to LIVE and so you did.  

And tomorrow you turn 40 this is major for some people.  Have you found yourself looking in the mirror, studying every line and wrinkle....grimacing at the fat on your arms or the size of your ass?  Of course you have ...you are human and as a woman you have been brainwashed to believe that you would be happier to be the size 4 or 6 that you were back then.  But please my lovely, consider this....this body, that some days you don't want to look at, has gotten you to here.  It carried you down that road, it put up with the partying and the abuse and if you are honest while a bit bigger, it is healthier now than it was then.  Now it runs 3 to 6 miles a day....it does yoga and it bikes up to 10 miles in a day.  It has given you this.....

It has done this 3 times

It did this

and it is still looking pretty good

So I just wanted to say you are beautiful....you are healthy...you are loved...you are stronger than you were.....and it is just going to keep getting better. So smile and go out there and kick life's ass for another 40!!!!

me: NOW

Those Winchester Boys and Castiel

Supernatural

Dean, Sam and Cas

I watched Supernatural from the beginning but I will admit I had never WATCHED Supernatural until this past fall.  Then I sat and binged on season after season on Netflix.  I could not get enough and I still can't.  Once again I found me a broken, damaged dude who tugs at my heart and and turns me on.  But not only is there  one....hold up.....there are three or possibly four is you count Crowley.  There is so much to love about this show and let me tell you the Fandom is fanatic.  Jared and Misha are on twitter and can put a hurting on you if they call on the legions, just ask the "Beebs".  Jensen needs to get twitter, we need him.

I am trying to decide if this should be a three part post...I am leaning toward it because I think they each deserve their own.
So without further ado...
I give you Jensen Ackles as Dean Winchester

Dean is the older brother.  He loves classic rock, pie, his impala, Castiel and Sam.  Like I said before he is damaged but he is good.  He kinda reminds me of the big dumb puppy, who loves you and is loyal but can't seem to stay outta trouble and also breaks your shit but you just love to bits and you melt when you look in his eyes...yep that's Dean

 But, he will also go to hell for you..He will fight for you and if you let him he will save you. He will bleed for you. He will do the hard things that he knows you will hate him for.

You are breaking my heart with your tears, Dean

Dean loves with all his heart and soul. It is his LOVE that drives him, some say it is his honor or sense of responsibility but I totally disagree.  His love of his dad, Sam, Castiel, Bobby and all the other people that he holds dear is what keeps him moving forward day after day.  It gives him a single mindedness that often rubs people the wrong way but it is that focus that allows him to continue after everything that has happened to him.

Let us talk about Dean's ability to eat.  I truly love his appetite I don't know why, but it is like it is it's own character on the show. Let us not forget PIE and PUDDING.

I am a bit amazed by the amount of food he can shove into his mouth at one time....it is truly a skill:)

He loves his car!  This first one has nothing to do with the car really but ummm...looky looky

and as I said he loves his classic rock, if you are a true fan then you know that Jensen can sing...so for your listen pleasure I give you ....

So thank you Jensen for the laughs and the tears.  Tune in next for a little look into Sam!

Sean Flanery Gifs....

Just a collection of gifs I love 

BOOM ...YOU ARE WELCOME